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I like to think of myself as the 'crazy mom of four'. I'm 31 years old and I love my life, my kids, my husband and my God. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Eliot

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Rambling thoughts...

I'm going to expose my heart here tonight. I'm a mess. I'm an emotional, un-medicated mess. I've really been struggling with my emotions and state of mind these last couple of weeks. There are some issues I'm struggling with that I can't even write about, because either they involve someone else or they are just too personal. Don't get me wrong...I'm not known for being IMPERSONAL on my blog. But there are just some things that even I know are inappropriate to write about in a public setting such as this.

I am in no condition to appropriately be a mother to my children. Hear me out. I've battled depression for well over 10 years now. Some years are worse than others. Sometimes it hits me hard and I'm down for the count. It's been a year and a half since my last major depression, and it was one of the worst. I went to a new doctor and got back on medication and finally things started to improve. I started feeling better and everything began to even out.

And I did good for quite a while. And like most crazy people, since I was feeling SO good, I thought for sure I could go off of my medication and have no problems at all. WRONG. It just took a while for my body to get all out of whack again.

The good thing is that I have been through this enough to recognize what is happening. I was waiting (last week), to see if I started feeling better. Instead, I feel like I am drowning. The biggest clue is how I feel completely incapable of 'handling' my children by myself for long periods of time (and by long I mean more than a couple of hours). It's even worse when I try to throw working in there too. I think it's time to call the doctor...

I know that some people will think that I shouldn't even share this much of myself here on my blog. But I need to talk about it and I'm not good with the face to face/verbal aspect of talking. And I know that I am not alone...and maybe there is someone else out there that is too afraid (or worse, ashamed) to talk about it. And if sharing my story can help someone else, even just a little bit, then it's the right thing to do.


  1. (((hugs))) It takes a lot to share something like that, and I admire you for it.

  2. Aw! This broke my little heart to read! Share on, sister! I 100% agree that you do need to talk about it because there are definitely hundreds of people having the same experience. I think it is very courageous to talk about this openly, because depression is still so stigmatized. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people say "oh just cheer up" or "you have nothing to be depressed about." It's not that simple... it's chemicals, it can't always be controlled by positive thoughts.

    It'll all be okay though - it's a good thing that you can see what is happening and have the presence of mind to be able to talk about it freely like this. Some people never get to that point :(

    Thanks for sharing, really :)

  3. Praying for you sister. I hope you are able to get a great dr. and that you will no longer have to deal with this. HUGS!!!!!!!

  4. Dear Jamie
    so so many people struggle with depression...and it hurts... I dont' think there is an easy way around it. I was on Zoloft for awhile about 15 years ago..I took myself off and it was okay.. it was the right thing for me... do your kids realize you are stuggling? Is there someplace you can get some kid relief? Make sure you are eating right and getting some excersise... stay strong and you are in my prayers!

  5. I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now. Prayers and thoughts coming your way.