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I like to think of myself as the 'crazy mom of four'. I'm 31 years old and I love my life, my kids, my husband and my God. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Eliot

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I need to be in the office

Or find a babysitter. A free one.

I have gone from not liking working from home to hating it. It's official. That didn't take long! They've barely been out of school three weeks. *sigh*

It doesn't help that I was having an emotional day yesterday. AND I WORKED AT THE OFFICE!!! I was just a mess when I got home last night and my awesome husband knows that when I come home that way, the best fix is Chinese. So that's what we had for dinner. I love him for knowing me and loving me and not saying "Are you sure you want to do that? It's not Weight Watcher friendly and we really don't have the money for it." I have a good man...

I had thought (hoped) that when I woke up today I would feel less emotional. It's not really hormonal either (in terms of "girl stuff"), so I am perplexed. Though now that I sit here thinking about it, I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. I've been off of my anti-depressant for over a month now. Yeah...that might explain it. That's so frustrating. I was feeling so good being off of ALL medication. I don't have anything against medicine, especially anti-depressants. I do believe that some people need them and that they are incredibly beneficial. They have been for me for so many years. I had just hoped that I could finally be off of them and not experience what I am experiencing now, feeling despondent and alone. I'm going to give it a couple more days and see if anything changes before I call the doctor.

I was so frustrated with the kids today. Before I even got out of bed, before 8am even, Kaleb was already having an attitude and being disrespectful to me. Oh, I'm such a horrible mother for not letting him play the Wii before 10am. I wonder what Super Nanny would think! There was fighting, whining, screaming, crying...all before 10:30am--yes I'm talking about the KIDS, not just me! And between 8:30 and 10:30, I attempted to work. It didn't go well, so at 10:30 I took a break and finally got around to cleaning/organizing my kitchen and dining room. It needed to be done and having it in order will help me cook dinner at night, which in turn will keep us from spending money we don't have on food that we don't need.

I had just finished washing the kitchen floor when Abbey tracked some dirty paper onto it. That's when I lost it and the monster appeared. That monster that starts yelling and crying at the same time out of frustration. "I can't get anything done. I try to work and you fight and whine and I have to referee it. I try to clean and you just track stuff all over the place and make bigger messes as soon as I get anything done." Kat and Kaleb just stared at me. Abbey went downstairs, untouched by my outburst. Livvy was in her own world screaming (not in pain or anger or anything) downstairs.

My poor Little Bishops...


  1. Sounds like you need some "Me Time" stat! One is far more than enough for me, kudos on getting 4 through alive thus far!!! You're probably doing an amazing job and you don't even know it.

  2. Wow, you just described me...down to being off the anti-depressants for a month. I am thinking I will have to go back on them...and I don't want to...but it's either that or go postal on Benjamin and Lucy!

  3. ::hugs:: I am going to send you my phone number if you ever want to text or chat.

    I have been off my meds for about 2 months now and feel the same way you do. My husband keeps telling me to go back on them, but then I think I don't need them and I need to get through without them!