How the years have changed me

I am so different these days. For starters, I'm more obsessive-compulsive that I ever used to be. I can't stand to drink after Kris or use the same utensil he has eaten off of. This never bothered me until a few years ago. As I get older, I become more...what's the word...well, we'll go with anal retentive. I just looked it up to make sure I had the most accurate definition and found this: "A term used to refer to a person who feels a need to be in control of all aspects of his or her surroundings. " Yeah, that about sums me up.

Oddly enough, I'm not tidy, at all. I was just walking through the house, stepping over piles of laundry that is spilling out of the kids' rooms and covering the hallway, thinking about how messy my house is. And I took the thought a step farther and thought "I really don't care." And while that isn't technically true (I care a little), I don't care enough to do anything about it...right now.

Tonight is a late night for me. I am just now sitting down after filling out a spiritual gifts assessment that I had to do for church. Sidebar-things like that always make me feel like a loser and like I'm just not good enough! I know it isn't true...in my mind...but when I see myself on paper like that, it is hard to see what God sees. Well, let's face it. It's just always hard to see what God sees! But I won't go into that right now...that's a whole other blog I do not plan to write...

I went to a friend's house and "did" a PC show tonight. I'm not sure how else to say it. "Conduct" sounds too formal. And believe me...this was NOT formal!! "Did" sounds ridiculously stupid but I don't feel like trying to come up with just the right word. It was a laid-back, casual, fun evening where I got to cook for people. Though I am not sure you can call it cooking if you just layer foods together in a bowl. Do you have to "heat" something to call it cooking? I don't think so...so we'll say I cooked!

Here is the picture of what I made tonight, Lime-Berry Mousse Trifle:

Here is what it was supposed to look like, but I'm not a 'professional' and didn't have a 'professional' camera/lighting!

Still...it could have looked worse!! This is a great dessert...I know it sounds really strange, but it tastes REALLY good!! And this is coming from someone who doesn't like limes and who is not a big fan of mixing a bunch of weird things together!

But the reason I am writing this tonight is because I am just reflecting on something I share at my 'shows'. They're really 'parties', because I'm so fun (yeah...right)! I wouldn't really consider myself shy, but in certain social settings, I am very uncomfortable. I don't like new places. I don't know how to really just approach new people. And I certainly never used to like anything that required me to get up and talk in front of people.

I share this a lot when I am at a party--I was the kid who got extremely nervous in speech class, floundered my way through, and then sat down and burst into tears. I HATED to be in front of people. I managed to suppress my fear of being up in front of people during my sophomore year of college, when I joined a very small singing group. It covered half of my room and board and so I figured the benefits would outweigh my fear. Looking back I really don't know how I managed to make it through that whole year, going to different churches and singing in front of people. I had very little confidence; yet somehow I made it through and then, when the year was over, I decided "I'm never doing THAT again!" And I didn't!

But what I did do was overcome my fear of talking in front of people. With PC, there are so many rules and regulations for where you can and can't post things that I am not even sure if I can post this without somehow overstepping the bounds of what I am able to "advertise"; so if you don't know what PC is, you'll have to ask someone who knows me or figure it out from the pictures above. PC forced me to break out of my little cocoon, or I believe the popular term these days is comfort zone. What I learned about myself is that I actually thoroughly enjoy being the center of attention IN THAT SETTING! I love being in other people's homes, cooking for them and making them laugh. There is a lot of satisfaction in that, and whether they are telling the truth or not, people SEEM to enjoy my shows. I have so much fun teaching people how to use my favorite kitchen tools! 10 years ago I would not have believed it if someone had told me I would ever be able to do this. And yet here I am...and I am very thankful for the confidence PC has given me--and it has taught me that I can be good at something, and THAT is a wonderful feeling!

I feel like I was really trying to go a different direction here tonight, yet I somehow got sidetracked and you are stuck with that, and I can't remember my original point. And now my sleepy pills are kicking in and I can't think straight, so I think it is best if I get off of here. I have an early (not to mention LONG) day tomorrow.