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I like to think of myself as the 'crazy mom of four'. I'm 31 years old and I love my life, my kids, my husband and my God. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Eliot

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not a fun ride

Corkscrew Roller CoasterImage by Vlastula via Flickr

I LOVE roller coasters. I always have, ever since my dad forced me at a young age to go on the Demon Drop at Cedar Point. After screaming all the way to the top, and falling faster than any human should ever fall while barely strapped in to a seat, I wanted to do it all over again! I don't have a vast experience with roller coasters. I think I was too young when we went to Disney to ride any of the 'big' rides. But I have been to King's Island, Cedar Point, and Six Flags in Missouri.

But, I must say, I don't love ALL roller coasters. Today has NOT been a fun ride. It started out by being in a very uncomfortable confrontation at work, throughout which I felt utterly stupid and inept, while at the same time knowing that I had done my job right and handled it professionally. I cry easily. I HATE confrontation of any kind. I wear my feelings on the outside, and I had to work extremely hard this morning to control my emotions and keep from bursting into tears like a blubbering child. After an hour or so, I was able to think about the situation without tears welling up in my eyes. It was cool though that throughout the confrontation God was constantly on my mind, and I haven't felt that comfort and presence that intensely in a very long time.

The day goes on and work kept me extremely busy. I felt like I kept getting things done, but when I looked at all that still needed to be, it seemed like I hadn't accomplished anything. Days like that are hard, with my job. I love to see things go away-calendar entries, email, voicemail, etc...it gives me probably more pleasure than it should to have everything caught up and cleared out.

Around 3pm I tried to reach Kris to ask him something trivial. In this world of technology, you would think that you could actually reach someone at any given time. Around 3:30 when I still hadn't heard from him, I started to panic, just a little. I was trying to remain calm and remind myself that this kind of thing happens all the time. But every time it happens, I still get that same anxious feeling and start making up ridiculous scenarios in my head. I tried to reach him via email/chat, text message, calling his cell phone, his work phone and the house phone. I kept praying for peace and trying to turn it over to the Lord. When 4:30 rolled around, I was convinced he had for some reason decided to get out with the kids, gotten into a horrible accident and died. Yes, this is how my paranoid mind works from time to time!

FINALLY Kris called me. Now keep in mind I've just spent the last hour and a half desperately trying to focus on work and NOT think about the "what ifs". I had kept my emotions and anxiety at bay all day after a stressful confrontation, and then, once I knew he was safe, that dam that had been under pressure all day just kind of burst. Well, actually, it didn't really burst-it just sprung a small leak. I couldn't hold it back any longer...but I've pulled myself together so I can finish up my work and go home. This will be the first night we've been home in the evening before 8pm. I'm looking forward to it.

All that to come back to the beginning and say that I am not particularly fond of emotional roller coasters. I'll take a ticket for the real thing please.

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