Over the last year (this past summer included), I had really begun to enjoy driving back and forth to work. I have my books to listen to and my drive to work is, in a way, me time. I got used to that time. I got used to it so much that when I go places now, and someone is with me, I feel like they are 'intruding' on my time. It's not just the kids either-it's any time that I am in my Explorer driving somewhere with someone. Don't get me wrong-I enjoy the conversation but I hadn't realized how much I NEEDED that driving time alone! It doesn't bother me when we're in the van and Kris is driving. I have somehow though come to believe that when I am in the Explorer, by myself, listening to my books, that this is a refuge for me.
So you can imagine the shock to my system this week when I started driving four rambunctious children back and forth to school. It wasn't just that I couldn't listen to my book. It's that my morning now starts out with fighting. The kids fight. They whine. They play in a much crazier fashion than what is appropriate in a small, enclosed space. And over the last two days I have come to realize that perhaps this is why I am feeling more edgy and anxious this week and having a harder time with the general child-rearing. This week has brought back all the negative feelings I had before when the kids were at Grace. I'm conflicted because I am SO thrilled and thankful that they are able to go back to Grace. What bothers me is the physical act of driving them to school and then picking them up. There hasn't been a single day this week (except Tuesday) that was free of the normal bickering and chaos in the car. And the only reason Tuesday was free of that was because Kris dropped the kids off for me and Dean brought them home. I have agreed, with some hesitation, to let Dean pick the kids up and take them to the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays-Kris works from home these days and so he is already there when Dean drops them off.
I hope that this is a quick adjustment for me because I'm really struggling to adjust to this new change in my routine.
But I am realizing more and more that change is difficult for me. I don't remember having such a hard time being flexible-though I know I've struggled with it off and on but it seems that lately it's gotten much worse. So this week has been REALLY hard. Throw in the normal busy-ness of life and crazy times at work and I feel like I'm barely hanging on some days. This will definitely take some getting used to!