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I like to think of myself as the 'crazy mom of four'. I'm 31 years old and I love my life, my kids, my husband and my God. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Eliot

Saturday, July 19, 2008

How the years have changed me

Four years ago I started blogging. I spent some time last night and this morning reading back over things I wrote 4 years ago. And I realized something through what I read. I have changed. And I don't think it is a good thing. And lately all I can think is how apathetic I have been and how that word has the word pathetic in it, which really describes the person I have become. Spiritually speaking, my efforts to grow my relationship with God have been pathetic, if existent. Every now and then I have some clarity and make the right choices. But mostly, I don't care. And that is so sad and so frightening. What is wrong with me? I can look back and see a couple of significant things that happened in my life four years ago, and I wonder if perhaps it was those experiences that changed me, and if rather than letting them draw me closer to God I just detached myself and have been living life in the shadows of a relationship with God that I USED to experience. And I find myself bolstering up and thinking "OK. Enough is enough. I'm ready to quit fooling around and I'm ready to give control back to God." And then I find that I don't have the courage or desire to do it. I hang on to my life and keep everything to myself. And I never talk about how I am struggling spiritually for fear that someone might want to help me get back on track. Or out of fear that my life as I know it will completely be uprooted, which ultimately probably wouldn't be a bad thing. But it is scary. It's terrifying actually. And this is where I am presently.

1 comment:

  1. You're speaking for both of us here. One day soon we'll pull out of this "funk." Thanks for blogging on here again. It'll be fun spending some time together tonight.