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I like to think of myself as the 'crazy mom of four'. I'm 31 years old and I love my life, my kids, my husband and my God. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Jim Eliot

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Music and more

I was downstairs looking for some CDs today and came across a photo album I started on a few years ago...when I had the time and the energy to scrapbook. As I was reminiscing, I came to a page of Kaleb as a baby. I can remember each one of my girls in their newborn and toddler stage.

What I discovered tonight is that I do not remember Kaleb as a baby. I look at the pictures of him, and I don't recognize them. I don't remember them being taken. I don't remember him looking like that. What I remember is being despondent and seeing those pictures almost fills me with despair and regret. When I look at his baby pictures, I am incredibly sad that I can't remember anything but how hard it was to adjust, how he cried all the time, how I never wanted to hold him unless I had to feed him.

I don't remember ever being happy when he was a baby. I don't remember holding him and staring down at him and being overjoyed with this new life God had entrusted to me. I remember feeling cold and indifferent and so alone.

I remember that while I was pregnant with him, I spent a lot of time trying to smile and to hide the fact that I didn't want to be pregnant again so soon. I remember everyone giving us a hard time about me being pregnant again and how difficult it was to pretend to be happy about it when I was dying inside. I remember his birth. I remember just wanting to get it over with and didn't care who was there. I remember seeing him for the first time, holding him on my chest before they took him away to be cleaned and measured--and feeling nothing.

Where was the joy I had felt when Katherine was born? The same joy I would feel with the birth of Abbey and Livvy later? Where was that pride and that awe in the presence of something so profound and incredible as bringing a new life into the world? It wasn't there. What I remember about Kaleb's first year of life fills me with sorrow if I think about it too long. Not guilt...not anymore. Just intense sadness. I look at him and the struggles with him now and I wonder if it is all related. I believe that it is.

I didn't intend to start this and have it turn into such an intense glance back at my son's life. I can't dwell on it. I can't 'deal' with all the emotions that come to surface when I think back. I wish I could go back and undo it. I wish I could remember just one time in his first year of life where I felt something good. It's so sad that I can distinctly remember the first time I loved my son, and it was not until he was about 7 months old. It wasn't instant for me...like it typically is...or like we are told it is supposed to be.

A friend at work has recently introduced me to some new music. There is one song in particular that I can't get out of my head. It is by the band Decyfer Down called "Burn Back the Sun". Below is a link (and the lyrics) to this song. There is a video with the song that I don't really care for; it's the song that touches me...I love the idea of being loved with "passion's quiet rage".


"I take a walk in the bitter cold, I try to see your face, The way it used to be, The sky was never grey, There was a time when I let you in, You turned my night to day, But I turned you away

(Chorus:) Burn back the sun, Bring back the fire once Blazing inside this hollow cage Burn back the sun, You were the only one To love me with passion's quiet rage

I have tasted the apathy, It's bitter on my lips, I am not who I used to be, Betrayal with a kiss, Open arms for the prodigal, You kept the flame alive, You keep this flame alive

(Chorus) Rage, quiet rage"


  1. What you are describing sounds so much like post partum depression, which is not your fault for having it. A lot of mothers go through what you went through and you did nothing wrong in order to get it. I just wish that you could have recognized it, or someone else could have and you could have gotten some help. I wish that you didn't feel that way about being pregnate with him and about his birth. However, no one tells you (or we don't listen) to how HARD it truly is to be a parent. It's HARD all the time - never a time that gets easier. Just different challenges. All of your children are happy and are thriving - they aren't doing that by themselves. You and Kris are their foundation and from what I know - they are going to be great people because of that great foundation!

  2. Isn't it a wonderful to think that God gives us each a brand new day to make things better! You can't go back and change the past, but you can move forward loving your sweet son. Give yourself credit for making it through and praise the Lord for the blessings that he has given you. That's what makes you a wonderful mother. :) Love, Kari